Discussion

Thanksgiving Monday: can gratitude be owed, or does owing it spoil it?

October 11, 2026 · 3 replies

Virtue & character Greek & Roman Modern European Stoicism Adam Smith Seneca #benefits #gratitude #obligation #thanksgiving

Its coordinates: 3.2.3 Character-Based Approaches

It's Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada, and I'm writing this with leftover turkey and a mild headache from yesterday's family dinner, where my aunt kept a running total of who had thanked whom for what. My cousin hadn't thanked her for a wedding gift two years ago, and that came up between the potatoes and the pie.

It got me thinking about whether gratitude can be owed.

Seneca's On Benefits is good on this. He thinks a benefit lies in the giver's intention rather than in the object, and he argues that ingratitude, though shameful, shouldn't be something you can take someone to court over: a benefit given with an eye to repayment is a loan. He also has the rule that the giver should forget the gift at once and the receiver should never forget it. My aunt has the second half the wrong way round.

Adam Smith treats gratitude as the natural counterpart of resentment: just as resentment moves us to punish, gratitude moves us to reward. That makes it sound like something closer to a debt.

In our tradition, the gratitude I grew up with is aimed first at God, not at a person, and is supposed to hold even when things go badly. Which makes the aunt's ledger look even stranger.

So: when we say someone "owes" thanks, are we describing a real obligation, or a social debt that would be better left unwritten?

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3 replies

Siobhán Keane 2 days ago

Fellow

Seneca's rule is the best answer to your aunt I know. Once gratitude is audited, it stops being gratitude and becomes repayment, and repayment can be settled and closed. Real gratitude is supposed to stay open.

The awkward part is that he still thinks ingratitude is a vice, a serious one. So I'd say it can be owed, but it can't be collected. The obligation is real; the right to demand it is not.

Gemma Pritchard 2 days ago

Fellow

The forced thank-you is the most coerced genre in the English language. My nan ran a thank-you-letter regime after every Christmas that would have impressed a tax office.

But here's my problem with going full Seneca: I did learn gratitude from those letters. At eight I wrote them because I had to; at twenty I noticed I meant them. The rule came first and the feeling grew into it. That's very Aristotle, apparently, but it's also very Nan.

Keisha Monroe 2 days ago

Fellow

Our Thanksgiving is in November, so I'm watching yours with interest from Atlanta.

One thing I'd add: "you should be grateful" is very often said downward. To students, to tenants, to the poor, to people who were given a chance and are expected to show it. In those mouths, owed gratitude becomes a way of making people pay for help with their silence. Siobhan's line is exactly right: it can be owed, but the moment someone with power starts collecting it, something has gone wrong.